An Introduction to Assertiveness Part 2

Assertiveness is more or less saying what’s on your mind in a manner that does not lower the importance of yourself or others.

It’s also important to point out that assertiveness is NOT the same thing as aggression. It is NOT getting your way. It is NOT manipulation in any form.

Perhaps Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons’ definition of assertiveness will best illustrate what I am trying to say:

Assertive behavior promotes equality in human relationships, enabling us to act in our own best interests, to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to express honest feelings comfortably, to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others.

That definiton really hit home for me. Imagine that. Equality and effective communication are at the core of assertiveness. I’m not trying to be sarcastic. It’s just that it’s so simple. What is even more incredible is that their book was originally written in the 1970s. It has been updated numerous times to change with the changing times. Interestingly, I’m working from the 2001 version of their book. How did they know that equality and effective communication would be in the forefront of people’s minds in 2021?

What really made me feel as if they knew me personally was this:

“Confronted with a difficult situation, lots of folks tend to respond non-assertively, thinking of an apporpriate comeback long after the opportunity has passed. Others react aggressively, and make a deep and negative impression that they often regret later. By developing a more adequate repertoire of assertive behavior, you may choose appropriate and self-fulfilling responses in a variety of situations.”

The non-assertive descripton describes me better. The few times that I yelled at people, it didn’t feel like me not to mention that it’s exhausting. However, we often make the mistake that being aggressive is the only way to get things done without being a doormat. Ever notice that cursing someone out in a big blow-up only raises the stress and tension for everyone invloved? I’m not trying to wipe all curse words off the face of the earth. But think about it. What does it really do? What type of results does it produce?

Interestingly, Alberti and Emmons point out that our relationships with peers aren’t the only relationships or social interactions that are important. There are a whole slew of misconceptions that we need to take a look at:

• Adults are more important than children
• Bosses are more important than employees
• Men are more important than women
• Whites are more important than People of Color
• Pysicians are more important than plumbers
• Teachers are more imortant than students
• Politicians are more important than voters
• Generals are more important than privates
• Winners are more important than losers
• Americans are more important than “foreigners”

The overall idea is that, yes, people may have certain authority, but those with authority are not more important than those who do not have authority. Similarly, those that look or speak differently are not above or below us. The same could be applied to education or any other criteria that might make us stand out.

Before I wrap up this post, I want to give an example from their book:

DINING OUT

Akim and Letita are at dinner at a moderately expensive restaurant. Akim has ordered a grilled chicken breast; but when the [chicken] is served, he finds it overcooked and dry. His action is:

Nonassertive: Akim grumbles to Letitia about the “burned” meat, and vows that he won’t patronize this restaurant in the furute. He says nothing to the waitress, responding, “Fine!” to her inquiry, “Is everything all right?” His dinner and evening are spoiled, and he feels angry with himself for taking no action. Akim’s estimate of himself and Letitia’s estimate of him are both deflated by the experience.

Agressive: Akim angrily summons the waitress to his table. He berates her loudly and unfairly for not complying with his order. His actions ridicule the waitress and embarrass Letitia. He demands and receives another chicken breast, this one more to his liking. He feels in control of the situation, but Letitia’s embarrassment creates friction between them and spoils their night out. The waitress is humiliated and angry for the rest of the evening.

Assertive: Akim motions the waitress to his table. He shows her the overcooked meat, and asks politely but firmly that it be retrurned to the kitchen and replaced. The waitress apologizes for the error, and shortly returns with a properly cooked order of chicken. Akim and Letitia enjoy dinner and Akim feels satisfaction with himself. The waitress is pleased with a satisfied customer and a generous tip.

Personally, I’ve learned that whatever the situatoin might be, it’s important to remember that equality is at the center of every interaction. The above information makes me wish I had discovered assertiveness years ago. Interestingly, I knew from the myriad of TV shows and movies that I have seen that communication is key in romantic relationships. It was sort of mind-blowing to realize that, as I’ve said, you can apply this knowledge to almost any social interaction.

My goal for this post was to help all of your interactions go smoothly and give you a little more confidence. The material/discussion above came from Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons. When I think back to when my group leader reccommended that book, I’m almost certain that he reccommended it to the group as a whole. Regardless, the tips given in the post can be applied to anyone who is reading it. My hope for both myself and others is that we grow a little and are able to move forward.

Stay tuned for my next nugget of wisdom that I find. 🙂

Best of luck,

Vanessa

An Introduction to Assertiveness

I have touched on assertiveness somewhat in other posts. My take is that you express yourself clearly without putting others down or devaluing yourself either. You do not bottle stuff up, or push it under. You are neither grumpy nor rude. You simply say what’s on your mind.

In the book Your Perfect Right by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons equality is presented as the basis of assertiveness and assertive conversations you have. On the one hand they do not endorse “getting your way” or “getting back at” someone who may have treated you badly. The flip side is that they don’t necessarily encourage you to “turn the other cheek” (which, in this case, more or less means doing nothing). They write, “We think the important thing is to affirm self-worth–both yours and the other person’s.”

I personally love this concept. It’s so simple when you think about it. What it all boils down to is that you are not more or less important than anyone else.

They explain:

“You don’t have to intimidate others in order to avoid being intimidated. And you don’t have to allow yourself to be pushed around by anybody. By learning to be effectively assertive, you can deal with …upsets directly and honestly, and keep everyone on equal footing–most of the time, anyway.”

They continue:

“Assertiveness is an alternative to personal powerlessness or manipulation. You’ll find in this book a program which will help you develop effective ways to express yourself, maintain your self-respect and show respect for others. We firmly believe in the equal worth of every human being.”

Alberti and Emmons mention a Ziggy cartoon to drive their point home. Basically, Ziggy approaches a door with a sign that says “Assertiveness Training Class.” Below that is another sign that says “Don’t Bother to Knock, Barge Right In!” While that cartoon is meant to be funny, that is not what the their book teaches.

Alberti and Emmons’ book acts as a guide or workbook on how to become assertive. They state that their goals are to “show you how to retain a sense of control [and] a sense of power in your own life without trying to control others in the process.”

I’m quoting heavily from their book today, but they make several good points such as this:

“Aggression and assertion are commonly confused, but assertive behavior doesn’t push others around, deny their rights, or run roughshod over them. Assertiveness reflects genuine concern for everybody’s rights.”

This is turning out to be much longer than I thought. I’m going to write more in a follow-up post. For now, you might try observing how you interact with others, and remember to say what’s on your mind without being rude.

Best of luck,

Vanessa

Happy Mother’s Day! :)

In Amy E. Deans’s book Peace of Mind there is a very interesting reading for May 9th that just happens to fall on Mother’s Day this year.

She starts with a quote:

Every man paddles his own canoe.

Frederick Marryat

I think she put that there to remind us that we are in control of our own lives. This is important, because people with depression often feel like they are not in control. In other words we often feel like victims to our circumstances.

I think the point of the reading for today is to teach ourselves how to be assertive and therefore take some of the control back.

She continues:

“Do you often do what others want you to or put the needs of others first? Or do you sometimes put yourself first, say ‘no’ when you need to, and do things that feel right to you?

“Assertive behavior can be difficult. Being assertive often doesn’t make others happy, give others what they want, take care of everyone else’s needs, or fulfill their image of you as someone who bends over backwards for others.

“But assertive people have learned to stand up for themselves and express their true feelings. They don’t let others take atvantage of them and are able to let go of the feeling that they have to ‘cave in’ to the pressures and demands of others.

“While being assertive may be hard, especially when it means doing or saying things that may not be viewed favorably by others, it is your way of protecting yourself. To learn how to be assertive, simply say ‘no’–to working overtime, to making dinner every night, or to volunteering to head up a project. Standing up for and protecting your rights–not the wants and needs of others–is what being assertive is all about.”

She finishes with this new goal or assignment:

“Today I’ll be more assertive in expressing my needs. If I don’t want to work late or do something for someone, I’ll say so.”

The moms out there can probably relate to the things said in that particular reading. Often mothers put the needs of others first, and forget to put themselves at the top of thier priority list. Sometimes they are not on the priority list at all. You are certainly invited to put your needs first for a change –not just today but everyday.

However, whether you are a mom or not, being assertive is still important. One common thread throughout the books I have read is making your needs known. Whether you need more time to yourself or more time with others is completely up to you. That was just one example. Maybe you need others to belittle you less. Maybe you just need to be heard. Maybe you need to split the workload at home or at work. This differs from person to person.

It’s important to note that being assertive does not mean being grumpy or rude all the time. It simply means speaking your mind when you need to.

So, is there anything that you’ve been holding in? Is there anything that you would like to say to someone but haven’t, because you’re afraid it’ll rock the boat? We can express our needs without keeping stuff in til we explode. Often people have no idea that they are stepping on our toes in some way. Now is your chance to tell them and set limits.

I hope everyone got something out of this. Enjoy the remainder of your weekend!

Best of luck,

Vanessa